A Perfectionist's Prison (Part 4): Your Relationships

Welcome back to Perfectionists Anonymous! Now we all know that admitting you have a problem is the first step, so let's think about the next way that perfectionism can overrun your life: Relationships. [Catch up on  Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3] Perfectionism can play into ANY relationship, but I think we should focus on the high-stakes, romantic relationships. (Because let's face it... that's what all of you care the most about, right?)  So, let's self-reflect... Have you spent more than one night this week on your Pinterest wedding board? Do you have a 3 page checklist for "My Future Husband"? Do any of those items include "must play guitar" or "must play a professional sport"? Ok, I saw a lot of guilty faces at "Pinterest board" so I'll move on... 

First off, finding "the one" is an amazing thing, and honestly much of it SHOULD be perfect.  That list you made should mostly line up with the things that matter like, "shares a dream of having a family," "loves missions to Africa," "makes me laugh," etc.!  Having standards is GREAT and necessary, but just as we always say... Find the balance... Draw a line.  I feel like I could write twenty blogs on this, so I'm just going to condense into a few essential thoughts.

1. Don't have unrealistic expectations.  Pinterest, dream journals, etc. are really wonderful for discovering what you want and what you like.  But finding "the one" and getting married is about BEING MARRIED, not having a wedding.  You may have to just pick your favorite elements and skip corners on your other wedding dreams to fit into a budget.  This is fine for normal people, but not for us.  I am notorious for spending too much on parties, because I've pictured it in my head in a PERFECT way, and I won't feel like it's complete unless the reality matches that.  The bottom line: Keep your standards high, but live life. Don't dream away too much and then be disappointed when it's different than your dreams.  You will miss out on a lot of joy that way. (Related blog: Real Women are not Delusional)

2. You WILL be wrong. *sigh* Yeah, this one is hard. One thing about being a perfectionist is that we want everyone to think we are perfect, and we want to perfectly please everyone.  Well, one day when you find your significant other, they are going to see your imperfections. (Why you need to tackle Part 2 before getting into a relationship). Until this point of your life, you might've been able to hide many imperfections at school or work, but any close relationship brings out EVERYTHING you thought you had under control.  Close friendships and relationships see it all. (And if they don't, then it will fail... But that's another topic.) The bottom line: Admit and own up to when you're wrong! Don't give excuses, blame others, or try to explain things away.  Ask for forgiveness and move on, because you'll want them to do the same for you.

3. Grace. Grace. Grace. Relating back to number 2... Since you know you'll need forgiveness sometimes, don't hold your significant other to perfection when you know that YOU will never be perfect.  It's hard to not be rocked when someone doesn't respond to something the way you would or the way you think they should... but it will happen.  The bottom line: Discuss issues that matter to you, but don't overreact about the small things.  We are not all identical robots who do things the same way. For bigger issues, always remember the grace that Christ provided for us. "A failure is an event, never a person."

That's the best wrap up I can manage. This is a complicated issue, that does require standards and accountability. Just don't let your perfectionism squeeze the life out of your relationship one day.  It will be yet another journey and a time for growing. 

Always growing, never perfect.