Identity Limbo

Over the past ten years of my life I have gone through a lot of phases. I’ve been a scene kid with pink hair, a tattoo, worn out chucks and an ear for screamo. I’ve been the t-shirt and jeans, laid back, sit by the lake kinda girl. I’ve been a pageant queen, with a closet full of sequins, big hair and fake eyelashes. Today I’m none of those things. In fact, I’m not exactly sure what I am anymore!  

I’ve realized that phases have to come and go, and obviously there is a time of transition in between each one. I’m in one of those transitions right now. I despise them. Mostly because it makes me feel like I don’t know who I am. It’s weird to say that, because I feel like I’m admitting something bad, but I figure if I’m being honest, so can you. You’ve probably been in the same boat at some point. Maybe you’re there now too, and we can figure it out together! Either way, I’m trying to figure out who am again.... AGAIN.  

Today, as I walked through my closet searching aimlessly for something to wear, I realized that most of the clothes that I owned pre-baby don’t really fit my body or my lifestyle right now. Before Ryker arrived I lived in frilly fluffy dresses, pretty blouses, and fun giant dangly jewelry. Fast forward 6 months, and these days I live in sweatshirts, jeans, and sandals, and I very rarely get much more than my wedding ring and some stud earrings on... mostly because I never really take them off. I knew everything in life was going to change a lot with a baby... I just didn’t really consider that my wardrobe would go with it. (So sad.)  

It’s not just clothing that I’m talking about. I’m talking about my identity in general. How I function on a daily basis, a schedule or routine, how I think and react, what I eat and cook, what I read and write about, what I like to watch on TV or in movies, who I spend my time with, where I shop, even the words I use... It’s all so different!  

I know just like with all of the other phases that have come and gone through the years, eventually I will land in a place where I feel solid and like “me” again. Until I...or we... get to that point, I thought maybe I should focus on the things that will never change, and that really make me, “me”. I hope you don’t mind that I made a list. I figured it would be a good thing to keep around for those times where I feel out of sorts. So here it is:

What makes an Amanda:

1. Joy. Nothing can steal my joy. The Joy of the Lord is my strength. I’ve been blessed with the ability to find the happy in life most challenging situations. I’m forever grateful that God gave me such a gift.

2. Height. Though, I thought it was a curse as a middle schooler, I now know that all 6ft of me is a great advantage. I mean it really is the best when it comes to seeing well at concerts, hiding that little bit of extra weight, and reaching the top shelf of the pantry.

3. Creativity. I enjoy thinking of new ways to do things. I love art, looking at art, and making it...I just love it. It has always been a part of me, and I suppose it always will be. In general I function better when I have room to be creative, no matter the situation.

4. Family. I think the family was one of God’s most perfect and creative ideas. Whether you are born into it, adopted into it, or just loved into it... family is forever. My family is my greatest support system. They get me through it all, and when I feel like I don’t know who I am, I can count on them to remind me of what they know I am.

5. I’m a God’s. I don’t own my past or my future. My life is not my own. If I am not who I once was it’s because He is leading me to become the person He needs me to be. I can trust that when this transition it all said and done, I’m going to fully understand why God chose this path.

There are more... but you get the idea. I’m glad these are the things that define me. Not what I wear, or how I do life at the moment. Reading through this I feel more secure and much more happy with where I am right now. So what if I don’t fit a mold right now!? This transition means I’m moldable, and God is preparing me for my new place in this world. I’m not a puzzle piece that just doesn’t fit anymore, it’s that I belong in a new puzzle. Hmm... Maybe I don’t despise this transition as much as I thought.